Quite often these days I find myself feeling down about my situation. I know that there are worse things happening than what I happen to be going through, but I don’t think we should ever disregard our feelings based on relativity. i.e. that someone always has it worse than you. Sometimes things are really crap. There’s no sugar-coating, no hiding behind encouraging quotes, no tricking yourself into believing something that isn’t true. If I'm completely honest there are times when I cry out to God, pleading to know and understand why things played out the way they did. But I don't think I'll ever know this side of eternity. There are many things in life that we'll never understand, and I suppose for now this happens to be one of mine. To summarise a long and agonising story, I lost my mum to cancer when I was about 10 years old. That will probably be the hardest thing I'll ever have to go through. The ripple effect afterwards caused damage that I suppressed for years and never fully dealt with (but I'm beginning to deal with them now). Situations that I was then placed in caused me great unhappiness, and I still search for silver linings in the way things played out today. I apologise for writing coyly, but some details are better left out. I know that this crazy testimony of mine is for a purpose, and I hope and pray that it will somehow bring light into someone's life who may be suffering similarly to how I was.
There were moments where I wanted to cease existing. It wasn't that I wanted to die necessarily, but I just didn't want to have to endure anymore pain. Even now I sit and dream about how things could have happened differently, and there were many moments where I wished that they had. However, the fact is that they didn't. No amount of me wishing and dreaming of a different ending would actually bring that different ending to life. Things happened the way they did, and I must go on. It feels like an almost-daily basis that I'm reminding myself to not sit in my sadness. That I have to push past how I want to respond (which wouldn't be helpful) and do what's best for me instead. Forgiveness from a distance is far easier than forgiveness close up. That is something I'm working on, for my benefit. I want to feel the freedom that comes with it.
I suppose I'm writing all of this to say that sometimes things just don't make sense. We all go through something we wish we hadn't, and even though we didn't choose that, we can choose how we go on from there. Am I going to stay unhappy, bitter, resentful, hurt, and broken? Or am I going to pick up my fractured pieces and carry them to my Father's feet, where His love can put me back together? This is a choice that I have to make daily, and I'll be honest, sometimes I choose the wrong one. I still have days where I sit in my pain, but then I have to pick myself up again and remind myself that I'm better than that. I won't let my sucky past win. I have to get back to the place of believing and trusting that it's for some bigger purpose than I'll ever understand; to find a new strength and to rise within it.
So now I speak directly to you. You are strong, and mighty, and brave. Whatever you're facing, you are resilient enough to handle it. But don't feel like you have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders all the time. You have a Saviour that wants to carry it for you. There is something positive that can come out of any situation, sometimes you just have to look a little harder to find it. I know that my past has shaped me into who I am today, and I hope and pray that it only ever makes me better. I know the sort of family environment that I want to create, the kind of relationship I want to have with my future husband, and the type of life I want to live. These things may not have been as solid or important to me had I not endured what I did. I know what I want, based on what I never had.
I hope you sense love and a fighting spirit from within these words, and not a bitter and resentful person. I pray that I always remind in control of my outlook on things in life, and that I see things through gracious eyes. You know when enough is enough, and there are just some people that we are better off not having in our lives. It is okay to admit that! You need to do what is best for you, and sometimes that means removing unhelpful people that won't contribute positivity to your journey in the longterm. Some just cross our paths to teach us things, both good and bad, so let them simply pass you by once that lesson is over.
Remember that you are loved and cherished and you deserve the best. Like diamonds, we too sometimes need a little pressure to get to the best bit of ourselves. But also like diamonds, we are strong and beautiful and so very valuable. You are worthy of so much more, and you are more than the sum of experiences that you've gone through. This life is beautiful and it is yours, so don't waste another day. Squeeze all the glorious juices out of it and dance in the warm sunlight and no matter what, keep going. I love you.
Love, S.
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