I've Been Thinking...

Deary me it's been a while! Time just seems to be moving by so rapidly, and before I know it it's been months since I last blogged. I appreciate those of you who have stumbled upon this post and chosen to read it, I hope that by the end of it you're glad that you did. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I've been thinking about absolutely everything. I'm still trying to find my place in this world, and I'd like to think that with every day that passes I inch a little closer. Last week was an interesting week for me emotionally, as I started the week thinking one thing and then ended it thinking something completely different. It felt like a very long week but I learnt more about myself and what I want then I have in a while, so I'm glad. A weakness I've mine that I'm coming to terms with is that I can get swept up in something too fast, and I don't actually think about whether it's what I really want. I need to remember to take a few deep breaths and think about who I am and what I want before I let my emotions take over. 

I've been trying to brainstorm possible career options and things that I'd love to do and I'm finding it to be so difficult. But I am pressing on and trusting God when He says that there is something perfectly suited to me out there. I know He's got this, I just need to relax. Stressing and making myself anxious about it won't do me any good in the end. However, I did stumble upon something that looked really great, so we'll see if anything comes of it! 

The weather here in Sydney has cooled down and the sky is looking much more grey these days, which I personally love! It's reminding me of being in England and that just makes me so happy, but it also makes me miss England and my little family over there. Those 2 months were so magical and glorious and I still pinch myself every day because I can't believe I actually got to go there! It's been my dream for about 8 years and then it became my reality. God is so good. Even if the wait seems long, it's always worth it. 

Right now I have a lot of free time and I'm doing my best to use it productively (which is actually what led me to write this blogpost). I'm also trying to write a book. But boy is it hard!! I can't even pick a basic plot outline, so we'll see how that goes. At the moment I just have random paragraphs of writing in a few different notebooks and on a few different word documents, but nothing seems to be coming together cohesively yet. 

Something else I want to quickly mention is that a few weeks ago I received the most beautiful email from a lovely girl who spoke such kind words into my heart. She's also the reason that I'm writing again, actually. She reminded me that my words can have a positive difference and I shouldn't lose sight of why I began writing this blog in the first place (and it was to inspire others). I want YOU to know that you're not alone. Whatever journey you're on, whatever season of life you're in, I'm here for you! More importantly though, God is here for you! 
"As for me, I call to God, and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning, and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice..." - Psalm 55:16-17
"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:17-18

God is listening and He cares. He cares so much that He sent His Son to die for you. All your troubles and your sadness was taken care of on the cross. So why do we still hold onto it? I'll admit I'm not good at letting the heaviness go either sometimes. But if you really think about it, it is pretty silly that we still hang onto it. There isn't any point, it doesn't do us any good. So let go! 

Well there you have it, that's today's ramblings splashed onto the page. As per usual my brain is always thinking many things at the one time so hopefully this post made some sort of sense. Just think of it as a little update I suppose, with more to come soon! Oh and if you ever want to chat you can tweet me (@samindigo13) or send me an email at samindigo13@gmail.com 

Love, S.

Image: Tumblr

The Countdown is On!

Sooooo I leave for England in 48 days! How crazy. I apologise that I haven't been doing much blogging at all this year, I really need to try and get out of the rut that I've been in this whole time. Today I'm doing another brief update style of post in order to try and get back into the swing on blogging again, and from here on I'll try to make the posts more regular - and more interesting! I have been uploading some videos on my YouTube channel though, so you can go and check that out here! 

The countdown is well and truly on for my departure and I can't contain my excitement. While there are some things that make me sad and I know that I'll miss home while I'm gone, I'm so overwhelmed with all the great and exciting reasons for going that I can't stay sad or worried for long. My dream of visiting England is finally coming true. I'll try not to babble on about this for too long, because that's what I talked about in my last post. 

Something that I want to quickly touch on in this post is that I've been in such a spiritual rut lately. My faith had lost its fire and love and pure excitement for a few months and it was incredibly difficult to get it back. However, last week things finally changed for the better. I met up with and had lunch with one of my beautiful friends and she answered my questions and stilled my worries and concerns and just reassured me that everything I was feeling was completely normal. She spoke life into me and encouraged me and inspired me with her story and it was so refreshing and much-needed for my soul! After that I came home and discovered the incredible Gabriel Conte and Jess Bauer on YouTube and my life is now so much better because of it. I was so desperate for a good Christian couple to be encouraged and inspired by - and then I found Gabe and Jess. They have been such an answer to my prayers and I wish I had discovered them sooner. 

So I say all of that to say that things are better. They're more hopeful and happy and I'm overjoyed about all that is to come. I'll keep todays little post short and sweet, so that's pretty much all that I have to say. I also just want to encourage you that beautiful things are coming your way, and happiness is all around. I know that sometimes it's hard to feel hopeful, but try not to give up along the way to greatness. 

Love, S.

Image: Tumblr 

Bit of a Rambly Update...

It has been quite some time since I have last written a chatty update type of post so I thought it was about time that I did! For starters, I hope that you've been doing well! Feel free to give me a little update on your life in the comments below - I'd love to hear. As for me, life has been pretty up and down these past few months but I feel like it's beginning to level out again which is refreshing. I've had my fair share of down days, and they still come around every now and then, but I'm trying my best to focus on the positive things rather than immediately jumping to the negative. It's a hard journey, but one that I'm focused on doing. 

Soooo for those of you who may not know, I'm going to England at the end of the year! Yay!! This has been my dream for about 8 years and now it is finally a reality. My flights are booked and everything. Today I also hit my money saving target to take with me - and I don't leave for another 4 months which means I still have another 4 months of saving ahead of me. I'm so pleased with myself though because I honestly wasn't sure if I'd be able to save enough - but I did! Now I can stop being so stressed and just carry on saving, now that I know I'll have more than enough. I still need to sort my passport out though, but I'll do that with my next pay check in a few weeks time. 

As for the going to England part, I'm equally stressed as I am excited. I've never travelled this far on my own before so I'm not entirely sure what to expect. The closer I get to it the more excited I get though, so that's definitely a good thing. I read an article a few days ago that talked about how our bodies see anxiousness and excitement as the same (something to do with the way our brains recognise them, it's the same to our bodies, they can't actually tell the difference). What that means is that anytime you feel anxious about something, you tell yourself that you're excited instead and it should hopefully ease your anxious thoughts and your body will just think it's excitement. I've been trying to do this, and it's difficult, but I think it's beginning to work. As I'm such an introverted scardey-cat this is a big deal for me, and one that I need to constantly overcome in order to actually get on the plane. If you have any tips and tricks for overcoming anxiety about flying on planes or living in a different country, do let me know! (P.S. the article I was talking about above can be read here)

So I'll be staying with one of my friends and her family for the 7 weeks that I'm in England, and I hope to explore as much of the UK and Europe as I can whilst I'm over there (which means I need to save as much as I can in order to do so). I'm just excited to do something different and exciting with my life for once, as I'm always so safe and reserved and well, boring, to be honest. I don't know exactly what to expect, but I know that it's going to change me for the better, it's going to push me out of my comfort zone into unfamiliar waters where anything can happen - and I'm actually really excited about that! 

Everything else in my life right now is still pretty much the same. Just working and reading and doing a bit of baking here and there. I actually just spent the last few days watching Stranger Things on Netflix and oh my word you need to watch it!! It was SO good that I'm honestly considering watching it again because I just loved it so much. Everything about it was great - the storyline, the acting, the editing, the music, absolutely everything! It's only 8 episodes long and you'll fly through them because they're so good. 

I also bought some new skincare products this week from a brand called Go-To (you can have a look at the range here) which was founded by Zoe Foster Blake - aka the beauty genius of Australian magazines. So far, so good, but I'll update you once I've actually used them for a few weeks. I was using some bits from Goodness (and I wrote a little blogspot about them, which you can read here if you like), but I wasn't totally satisfied after using it for a few months, so decided to try something new instead. Plus the Go-To products are in pretty peachy packaging and they smell like sherbet and make your skin so soft, so I feel like I could be onto something good here, but I'll know for sure in about a month. 

I should probably stop rambling now, kudos to you if you've actually read all of this, it's much appreciated. I'll just leave you with a few inspiring and encouraging quotes I have come across this week:

"It all begins and ends in your mind. What you give power to, has power over you."

"There is literally nothing in nature that blooms all year long, so do not expect yourself to do so."

I've found these to be helpful, especially when I'm not feeling all that great. Our minds are so powerful, and we need to be extra careful about what information we're feeding into them. Are you feeding it something nutritious or something that's plain junk? Be careful. It's also helpful to be reminded that we shouldn't expect ourselves to be 100% productive the whole time. It's just not possible. I'm definitely not in a 'blooming' season at the moment, but that is okay. My time will come and it will be beautiful. I'm trying to see this time right now as the planting and growth period, where I'm really focusing on planting deeper roots and having healthy soil - metaphorically speaking, of course. Once they're healthy, I'll bloom. It's just the way it works. 

That's it from me now! I hope your day is beautiful and you can find wondrous parts that fill you with euphoric joy. Even if it's something as small as sitting in a sunshine spot, making yourself a nice cup of tea, slathering yourself in gorgeously scented body lotion, etc. It's the smallest of things that make the biggest difference in the end. Lots of little things that equal something bigger, so make those little things a daily priority. 

Love, S.

Image: Tumblr

This Isn't the End (Keep Going)

I felt on my heart to write frankly in today's little post, so I hope you don't mind. I just had these words racing around in my mind and I needed to get them out. I hope you find comfort in my survival, and that you know that you can survive too.

Quite often these days I find myself feeling down about my situation. I know that there are worse things happening than what I happen to be going through, but I don’t think we should ever disregard our feelings based on relativity. i.e. that someone always has it worse than you. Sometimes things are really crap. There’s no sugar-coating, no hiding behind encouraging quotes, no tricking yourself into believing something that isn’t true. If I'm completely honest there are times when I cry out to God, pleading to know and understand why things played out the way they did. But I don't think I'll ever know this side of eternity. There are many things in life that we'll never understand, and I suppose for now this happens to be one of mine. To summarise a long and agonising story, I lost my mum to cancer when I was about 10 years old. That will probably be the hardest thing I'll ever have to go through. The ripple effect afterwards caused damage that I suppressed for years and never fully dealt with (but I'm beginning to deal with them now). Situations that I was then placed in caused me great unhappiness, and I still search for silver linings in the way things played out today. I apologise for writing coyly, but some details are better left out. I know that this crazy testimony of mine is for a purpose, and I hope and pray that it will somehow bring light into someone's life who may be suffering similarly to how I was. 

There were moments where I wanted to cease existing. It wasn't that I wanted to die necessarily, but I just didn't want to have to endure anymore pain. Even now I sit and dream about how things could have happened differently, and there were many moments where I wished that they had. However, the fact is that they didn't. No amount of me wishing and dreaming of a different ending would actually bring that different ending to life. Things happened the way they did, and I must go on. It feels like an almost-daily basis that I'm reminding myself to not sit in my sadness. That I have to push past how I want to respond (which wouldn't be helpful) and do what's best for me instead. Forgiveness from a distance is far easier than forgiveness close up. That is something I'm working on, for my benefit. I want to feel the freedom that comes with it. 

I suppose I'm writing all of this to say that sometimes things just don't make sense. We all go through something we wish we hadn't, and even though we didn't choose that, we can choose how we go on from there. Am I going to stay unhappy, bitter, resentful, hurt, and broken? Or am I going to pick up my fractured pieces and carry them to my Father's feet, where His love can put me back together? This is a choice that I have to make daily, and I'll be honest, sometimes I choose the wrong one. I still have days where I sit in my pain, but then I have to pick myself up again and remind myself that I'm better than that. I won't let my sucky past win. I have to get back to the place of believing and trusting that it's for some bigger purpose than I'll ever understand; to find a new strength and to rise within it. 

So now I speak directly to you. You are strong, and mighty, and brave. Whatever you're facing, you are resilient enough to handle it. But don't feel like you have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders all the time. You have a Saviour that wants to carry it for you. There is something positive that can come out of any situation, sometimes you just have to look a little harder to find it. I know that my past has shaped me into who I am today, and I hope and pray that it only ever makes me better. I know the sort of family environment that I want to create, the kind of relationship I want to have with my future husband, and the type of life I want to live. These things may not have been as solid or important to me had I not endured what I did. I know what I want, based on what I never had. 

I hope you sense love and a fighting spirit from within these words, and not a bitter and resentful person. I pray that I always remind in control of my outlook on things in life, and that I see things through gracious eyes. You know when enough is enough, and there are just some people that we are better off not having in our lives. It is okay to admit that! You need to do what is best for you, and sometimes that means removing unhelpful people that won't contribute positivity to your journey in the longterm. Some just cross our paths to teach us things, both good and bad, so let them simply pass you by once that lesson is over. 

Remember that you are loved and cherished and you deserve the best. Like diamonds, we too sometimes need a little pressure to get to the best bit of ourselves. But also like diamonds, we are strong and beautiful and so very valuable. You are worthy of so much more, and you are more than the sum of experiences that you've gone through. This life is beautiful and it is yours, so don't waste another day. Squeeze all the glorious juices out of it and dance in the warm sunlight and no matter what, keep going. I love you.

Love, S.

One For the Books...

Today something very exciting happened; I graduated from university!! I can still remember when I started my degree, three years ago, and graduation day felt like it was eons away. Now that I'm here, I feel like the time absolutely flew by. While this is an exciting and momentous occasion, it's also a slightly scary one. It's scary because I'm not quite sure what to do next. I always envisaged that by the time graduation came around I'd have a more solid idea of where to head next, but I don't...yet. I'm a big believer in the timing of things, and that when something is supposed to happen, it will. That's not to say that hard work isn't involved, of course it is, but I feel like the small beginnings will flourish into something eventually. Even though I feel a little lost at the moment, it will all come together in time, and with perspective I'll see why it took that little bit longer. They say just because you took longer than everyone else doesn't mean that you failed. I firmly believe this to be true. Comparison is the thief of joy, right? So let's quit comparing! Embrace, and love, the season that you're in (this is something I'm working on, and you should too). 

My time at university taught me many things, but the most important was not to give up on myself. There were countless times throughout my degree where I honestly thought I was failing - but I never did. In fact I usually did far better than I expected. Perseverance and hard work will always pay off in the end - and this applies to any sector you find yourself in. Take encouragement from that. I know that all these little bits and pieces I'm doing along the way will have a benefit somewhere along the line, whether I realise it at the time or not. So for now, I'm going to continue working on myself when it comes to developing skills to combat my anxiety and depression. I firmly believe this is where my time and energy has to go right now. If I'm not mentally healthy I won't be able to handle everything else as well, so it's important that I become better at dealing with the stresses of life. Once I feel like I'm in a better place mentally, I'll be ready to conquer the world. While I'm not striving for perfection necessarily, I do think that taking care of your mental state is so important. I know that I'll never be completely "healed" in that regard, but I do know that I can make progress and develop skills that will allow me to perform at my best in every area. 

With that being said, I'm excited. I know that I can achieve great things and go to places I never thought I'd get to. I just need to be patient with myself for now. This journey that I'm on is only just beginning and there is so much more to learn and accomplish along the way and I'm excited to document the journey on here for you all (and in videos on my YouTube channel too, I will definitely get better at that!). So here is to the future and all the golden moments it will hold. T.S Eliot once said, "To make an end is to make a beginning". That's exactly what this day is. It's the beginning of something bright, something new, and something noteworthy. I'll conclude with a dash more inspiration from Steve Jobs, "If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it." So let's go find it!

Love, S.

Pondering on Love... | Part Two

Last June I wrote a post titled Pondering on Love... (which you can read here) and I thought I would write a part two of that post today. Pretty much everything that I wrote in that post is still relevant today and my views on love are still the same. Although it's eight months later and it seems like I'm still no closer to falling in love, I can't help but be excited. Don't get me wrong, I still feel down about it sometimes, but right now I'm excited and expectant. 

Sometimes I freak out a little because I feel like I wouldn't be a very good girlfriend. When I try to picture it, I just don't know if I would live up to certain expectations. But how can I know for sure until I'm actually in a relationship? I can't! However, that doesn't mean that I can't start learning now before the time comes. I read an article this morning that went through the 7 Ps of Christian Marriage. It was an eye-opening and encouraging article and exactly what I needed to read and be reminded of. I won't go through everything it said, but I will point out some bits that really stuck out to me. There was a bit that talked about praising God for the husband that He will one day bring you. The one line in particular that struck a chord with me was, "the same God that blesses them, blesses you." Simple, yet so profound to me. It was a basic truth, but one that I tend to forget so easily. The God that is bringing couples together all around me desires for me to find my forever love as well. Another line that I found equally encouraging said, "God's desire to reveal will always be greater than your desire to know." In other words, God wants to reveal and bring my future husband to me more than I want to know who my future husband is. How crazy but encouraging is that thought! 

My urgency to find out has slowly begun to diminish as I begin to realise that God actually cares, and He's not keeping me waiting for no reason. It just simply isn't right yet. He hasn't forgotten about me, He's just still working things out. Ann Voskamp once said, "Waiting is just a gift of time in disguise - a time to pray wrapped up in a ribbon of patience - because is the Lord ever late?" No, God's not late, I'm just impatient. And I need not be. Some days are hard, some days are easy, and I know that it's not always easy being single. But I also know that it's probably not always easy being in a relationship. Both rely on trusting in God completely. 

So while I'm in this season, I intend to squeeze all that God wants me to know out of it. To not let myself go to waste because I'm single - because how silly does that sound? I'm not going to sit around twiddling my thumbs until prince charming strolls on by, but I'm going to grab life with both hands and run. As I mentioned in my previous post, life hasn't been super peachy lately, but I'm on a new road now. A road to recovery. A road to somewhere better. There are going to be lessons and tests along the way, and God is with me through every single inch of it. He knows my steps. And somewhere along the way I'll fall in love and step into a new season altogether. Every day that passes is another day closer to that happening. And I intend to live fully, starting now, instead of waiting until I've got a boyfriend, or waiting until I know what my purpose is, or waiting until I feel like I'm fixed. Why wait? 

I'm going to leave you with these beautiful and uplifting words from Lysa TerKeurst...

"That hard thing you are facing right now? Remember, you are strong. You are persevering, tough, able to bend without breaking, willing to be humbled to the point of humiliation, not blinded, a hunter for wisdom, a praying-through-it woman, a courageous gal, one who wants to learn the deep dependance of following hard after God himself. 

Let me reach through these fragile, typed-out letters and take your hand. And stand with you. From that cracked-open-heart place, a God-Breathed strength will rise. Rise. Rise."

Love, S.

Images: Tumblr

New Roads, New Rivers // We're Gonna Make It

It's been a while since I last spilled my raw thoughts into a blog post so I thought it was about time I did again. In all honesty, I haven't been doing that great lately (which is why I haven't written a post like this in a while), but then I thought about it some more and decided that the not-so-perfect parts of life will come and they will go, and they are just as important as the rest. It's in these down days that we are tested, and from that comes strength, growth, and the ability to rise again. Recently I came to a crossroads in my life. A moment where I could choose to stay stagnant (and ultimately go downhill) or I could choose to do something that scares me greatly, but will actually do me a world of good. I chose the latter. Seeing a psychologist is a topic that is not spoken about all too often. People tend to brush over it, or simply won't even mention it at all. I suppose even I am a little hesitant to bring up the subject sometimes. I think it's because it can be a scary thing, and not something that we feel great sharing. It's admitting that you need help, and that makes you vulnerable. I haven't been to a session yet, but I've got one booked in, and I feel like good things will come of it. 

Earlier on this year someone told me that this will really be my year of stepping into all things great. Little did I know they also said that I would have to work for it, it wouldn't just fall into my lap (and I wasn't told that at the time). Once I booked in my session my mum told me the rest of what was said. She mentioned that perhaps me starting this journey was me working for it. If so, bring on all things great! Another area of work and growth relates to my purpose in life. Right now I honestly have no idea what it is. However, I have started to read a book written by a pastor named Rick Warren called The Purpose-Driven Life. While I'm only on day five, I already know that things are changing. It's a 40 day study and I cannot wait to see where I am in 40 days time. 

Writing all this down feels a little uncomfortable, but I'm doing so in the hope that it might help someone out there reading it. I have felt so lost and confused and sad lately, but I'm not sitting in that pit of despair any longer. I'm being proactive in making a change. I don't know what your change looks like, but I urge you to pluck up the courage and make it. Surely it'll be better than staying where you are. "A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there". With that in mind, I'm waving goodbye to certain 'comforts' and moving towards a better me instead. I'm calling this year the one where I work on myself. I've neglected certain things for so long, and it's unhealthy, and about time I just dealt with it. I'm cancelling my pity party and getting ready to celebrate for real instead. I don't know what this year will bring, but I'm believing it can only go upwards from here. At my church we're calling this the year of new roads, new rivers. I can't wait to explore them. 

I was on Instagram the other day and I came across this encouraging message that someone I follow had posted. Straight away I had to write it down in my diary because it spoke straight to my heart. I'm going to end this post with this. I hope that you find joy and encouragement in these words and in my own. I hope that you're reminded how beautiful and worthy you are - and if you're not, go somewhere where you are reminded. This world is beautiful and filled with amazing moments that we are yet to be a part of. God only ever wants the best for us, okay. 

"His heart is never to silence the desire of our hearts or to shame us for those desires. His heart is to pull us up on His lap while we ugly cry out the disappointments and curveballs we've faced. His heart is to listen to us laugh at how silly we've been and to marvel at how beautiful the future is. At the end of that, we just have to be willing to hop down and only take the steps He leads us to. It's the year of reaping what we have sown in sadness and hurt, it's the year of deferred dreams coming to fruition, and it's the year of big honking leaps of faith into His plan. We're gonna make it."

Love, S.

Image: Tumblr

Be Fearless

Do you ever just want to take a risk? Do something completely wild and unusual simply because your heart is urging you to take the chance? That's sort of how I feel right now. It's past midnight and I just finished watching a film that was about self discovery, among other things, and it's made me stop and reflect on my life. I feel as though I hesitate too much. I think we all do. We become too afraid of failure that we don't even try at all. I think that's failing anyway. Fear has such a firm grip on my life, and I'm unsure how to let go of it and just live. To be unapologetically honest and intentional in all that I do. 

There are so many words and thoughts that float around my mind on a daily basis, most of which I keep to myself. But imagine if I said some of these things that I was thinking. I wonder what would become of it. Sometimes refraining from saying something can be a good thing, and other times it just hinders you from happiness. I definitely need to speak more honestly than I do. It's not that I lie, it's just that there are so many things I wish I could say, but don't. It could be complimenting a stranger on their outfit, telling a boy how I really feel, being openly honest about how I feel with certain friendships, or perhaps just making it known that I don't feel comfortable anymore. These are unspoken words; haunting words. 

I remember reading something written by Taylor Swift once and she said, "there is a time for silence. There is a time for waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you'll know it. I don't think you should wait. I think you should speak now." That was taken from the prologue of her Speak Now album booklet. I highly recommend you read the whole thing because it's brilliant. I don't want to be haunted by all the words I never said and the chances I never took, but I don't know how to say those words or how to take those chances. Whenever an opportunity is presented I freeze and end up convincing myself of all the reasons why it's a bad idea and why it will never work. That's unhealthy and it's stopping me from truly living authentically. I don't want to be the reason I'm held back. I want to set myself free. 

I guess I've written all this to say that you should speak now, and so should I. You should kiss that guy, profess your feelings, write that letter, quit that job, book that trip, and live as honestly and truly as you possibly can. I don't want to find myself filled with regret because I was just too scared to try. I suppose this as much as a reminder for me as it is for you. These are the words that I need to hear. Life is incredibly precious, and sadly with the tragic events in Paris today, that only confirms this truth. The fact of the matter is that we are not totally in control, and the next day is never a guarantee. But why isn't that reality enough? Why do we still live in such fear over all the things that could possibly go wrong if we just spoke the truth? I wish I knew the answer. 

I want to be brave enough and bold enough to just live. To simply be myself in every single area. To allow God to position me exactly where I need to be, and to fill me with the words I need to say (and the courage to say them). Without Him, I would be nothing. I think that perhaps we need to live a little more fearlessly. I don't think this journey will be easy, but I believe it will be worth it. So here's to living a more authentic life, refusing to be held back by fear, and trusting in God's perfect grace and plan every step of the way! And remember that as long as the sun continues to rise each morning, there is still hope and a chance to make a change. 

Love, S.

Image: Tumblr

Embracing Uncertainty

It's been a while since I wrote on here at all, and it's been even longer since I splashed my personal thoughts on here. I just came across a quote and it prompted me to write something. The quote said, "Embrace uncertainty. Some of the most beautiful chapters in our lives won't have a title until much later." I feel as though my whole life is uncertain right now, and that is a scary feeling. There isn't a lot that is completely set in stone at the moment, and everything feels as though it is on the brink of being thrown up in the air. I am on the verge of a new season, and even though I don't feel prepared, there isn't anything I can do to postpone its arrival. This quote gives me hope, encouragement and reassurance on what's to come. Being a Christian helps in times like this, because I know that God has every piece of my life planned out. He knows what he's doing and I just need to t r u s t. Boy is that a difficult thing to do. 

I've only got three more assessments left of my degree, and they are all due over the next two weeks. Scary. I have no idea what to do about my career or which direction to go in either. I know that I'll need to get a full time job sometime soon but I'm not even sure where to begin. I wish they taught you things like this at university, but they just don't. Then throw in my constant thoughts and ponderings about love and my brain just never shuts off. I haven't managed to progress any further since the last time I wrote about love. It's a little discouraging, but it'll happen when it happens. I'm just trying my best to stay present in every moment and keep my eyes open for opportunities. To stay open to things as best as I can, rather than hiding away. 

To go back to my struggle with trying to decide what sort of career path to go down, I'm thinking potentially something along the lines of writing or books perhaps. But then I also love many, many other things too. If you have any suggestions/words of advice for me, please do let me know! For now I am going to remain focused and try my hardest when it comes to finishing these last few assessments. Once they're done I'll switch my focus to finding a job and trying to begin to work out what sort of direction I would like my life to go in. Every year of my life up until this point I've always had a plan. There has always been something to go into, something purposeful that I knew was coming. Not this time. I have absolutely no idea what next year is going to hold for me. I'm hoping that the uncertainty proves to be a good thing, and that like the quote suggests, it will end up being one of the most beautiful chapters of my life. I'll let you know.

Love, S.

Image: Tumblr

Finding Inspiration to Change the World...

Taylor Swift has been one of the main inspirations in my life for many years now. To me she's more than just her 1989 album and short hair. I came across this image on Tumblr a while ago and haven't been able to shake it since. I felt like I lost myself a few years ago, and have been clinging to anything to get who I was back. The past few years have held a lot of rainstorms. There have been too many moments where I've completely lost it. I've found myself crumpled on the bathroom floor more times than I would like to admit. I seem to continually refuse to deal with things, which causes them to build up until I explode. This leaves me having to deal with my broken self all over again. It's not healthy. 

I love the final line of this speech that Taylor gives. She says, "I now believe that walking through a bunch of rainstorms gets you clean." Something I have refused to do, no matter how hard I find it to be, is to stop walking. You fail when you abstain. I will always keep walking. Keep going. Keep fighting. Keep pushing. Because there is always another side to the mountain. A bright side with a downhill slope. 

Last week I cut my hair shorter. I decided that I needed change and I needed healthy hair again. I think that was when these more empowered thoughts really came to mind again. I try to have a positive outlook on life most of the time, but I've been feeling down lately. I've been feeling lost, actually. I needed to find myself again. I needed to shake and change old ways and find out who I truly want to be. In the foreword of 1989 Taylor writes, 

"The debate over whether people can change is an interesting one for me to observe because it seems like all I ever do is change. All I ever do is learn from my mistakes so I don't make the same ones again. Then I make new ones. I know people can change because it happens to me little by little every day. Every day I wake up as someone slightly new. Isn't it wild and intriguing and beautiful to think that every day we are new?"

We break and we bleed and then we heal. We change and it hurts but we are strengthened. I am very much obsessed with becoming someone who is completely comfortable in her own skin. Because this is it. This is what I get. I get this life, and this body, and this mind, and it is up to me to be okay with that. I think I'm slowly becoming okay with that. 

Earlier today I bought Taylor's fragrance called Incredible Things. Priceline was having a half price sale on perfumes so I decided to treat myself. More so than that, I wanted to cement this mindset that I had formed. A mindset that incredible things can and will happen to me. I am beautiful, and courageous, and strong. I have the ability to change the world. I refuse to not believe that these things are true. It breaks my heart to think that there are far too many girls out there who don't believe these things about themselves. Whenever I spray this perfume I will think of these words. Whenever I catch the scent on my skin during the day I will remember this mindset. 

I try to live with the thought that something good and wonderful is about to happen, and so should you. I want to encourage you with the reminder that even if you're in the middle of a rainstorm right now, you'll get through it. You'll come out the other side cleaner than you were when you went in. You will come out stronger and with a new drive to fight for who you are and what you want to be. Don't be afraid to live your life with confidence. For too many people are. I used to be too afraid, but it's something that I'm working on. And remember, those who are crazy enough to believe that they'll change the world are the ones who actually do. So let's be world changers. 

Love, S. 

Pondering on Love...

Right now I feel excited. I feel like good things are coming my way. One thing I know is that it is very easy to be excited and happy after something wonderful has happened, but harder to be excited and happy before such a thing has occurred. I'm trying to shake that up a little. So often we wait until we get what we've been yearning for to be thankful for it. I'm trying to be thankful already. It's no surprise that the thing that I'm most excited for will be finding, falling, and being in love. I talk about it nonstop, and think about it even more. However, I don't let the fact that I am currently single dictate or rule my life too much, because I used to. I used to get so hung up and caught up over the fact that I was single. Now even though I definitely wouldn't say no to a date if a boy asked me out on one, I'm not really that fussed over the fact that I am single. It's by one thing only that I'm at peace with it. It's the simple thought that if I was meant to be in a relationship right now, I would be. I know that everything has a perfect timing, and it just so happens that it's not yet my perfect timing for love. And that is totally okay. You've just got to accept such a reality and move on with life. There is so much beauty and wonder out there to experience. Why should I let the fact that I'm single hold me back so much? It just seems silly. My value isn't dependent on my relationship status. I used to think it was. 

I have three siblings and I am currently the only one who is single. That's okay. My time for love will come around soon enough. I believe that you've just to keep running your race and let things happen how they're supposed to. It doesn't mean sit back and do nothing, but that instead of stressing about the things I can't control, just vibe with life instead. The simple, but complicated, fact is that we are not as in control as we think we are. One day love is going to find me and it's going to be amazing. So instead of sitting and feeling sad and alone, I am feeling excited and happy about the day that it will happen. I'm not going to miss out on the present because I'm looking too far forward into the future. I'm going to embrace and delight in every wonderful experience that comes my way. I'll feel excited over the fact that one day I'll get to share all of these experiences with the love of my life, and that I'll get to hear about all of his wonderful experiences too. 

Love isn't always sunshine and rainbows, and social media tends to glamourise it while forgetting that a lot of hard work goes into those relationships. We read flowery words and see beautifully framed pictures on Instagram and think that's how it always is. We couldn't be more wrong. It is vital that we remember that good relationships take effort and perseverance, a lot of hard work behind the scenes, and two people who want to be together more than anything else. These relationships are formed in the valley, not on the mountain top. Skies will become grey and times will be tough, so you want to make sure the person whose hand your holding is planning on staying there for the long haul. I can't pretend to be an expert on love, when I have virtually no experience in the field, but something I do know is that it should make you feel infinite and out of control. It should be a bursting flame that makes you feel like you have fireworks going off inside you. Most importantly though, it should feel like coming home. I can't wait to come home. 

Love, S.

Image: Tumblr

Moments and Memories #1

Yesterday at uni was one of the most stressful days ever. I was there for a solid 10 and a half hours working on a group assessment. It was the third day we'd been there that week. Stress and tension levels were high, and it seemed that everything was going wrong at some points. However, we finished our assessment, submitted it, and felt another weight lifted off our shoulders. Surprisingly there were parts of the day that I really enjoyed. We had moments of laughing so much that some of us ended up on the floor, moments where we were almost crying, and moments where we wanted to throw our laptops at the wall. But we made it. 

I'm currently in my third year of my degree, and I'm about to finish my second last semester. It took a while, but I managed to find some really solid friends who I am so thankful for. Uni would be a whole lot harder without them. A thought I've been having recently is 'have I really been experiencing uni?'. Because I kind of felt like I hadn't been, and it scared me. As much as there are moments where I want to give up, cry, and drop out, I'm glad I haven't. I know that it will be well worth it in the end. 

Although yesterday was a crazy stressful day, and this week hasn't been the best and kind of feels like it's been going on forever, I walked out of uni last night feeling happy. I felt like I was truly experiencing uni in all it's forms. Even though it was awful at times during the day, we survived through to the night and ended on a good note. I felt a part of something. I felt like I was fulfilling my uni duties correctly. I felt like I was experiencing something great. 

These moments will become memories and stories that I'll probably share with friends and tell my kids one day, and that makes me happy. So often I feel like I don't have that many great stories to tell, but I feel like I could perhaps be beginning to make some. I hope you don't mind that I'll jot them down on here every now and then, but why not? Here's to more story-making...

Time To Get a Little Raw & Vulnerable

So it is currently 12.30 at night and I've just arrived home and I randomly felt the need to write this blog post. I was feeling inspired I suppose, and have just decided to run with it. Love. Small word, heavy meaning. I am yet to fall in love. I'm 20 years old and still haven't really been kissed, but that is totally okay with me. I've always been a hopeless romantic, a bit of a dreamer, and I value love very highly. I also value waiting for love very highly. I do not intend to awaken it until it so desires. I'm hoping that day is coming around soon, but who knows. 

Today I witnessed heartbreak. Not my own, but someone else's. And it was rough, really rough. It gave me perspective and thankfulness that my heart is whole and has not been through too many ordeals in the love sector thus far. I was trying to give advice and words of comfort in a difficult time, and a few things came to mind. I immediately thought of a quote I'd read by Taylor Swift. She said, "hang on it gets easier, and then it gets okay, and then it feels like freedom". I can't exactly remember what she was speaking about regarding this quote, but I feel like it could apply to a lot of different circumstances. Today, I applied it to heartbreak. I think there is truth in her words. You really do just have to hang on. Perspective is a very beautiful thing, but the climb up towards the view is rarely easy. It is hard, long, treacherous and challenging, but well worth it in the end. 

I think love is amazing. Probably the most amazing thing we will ever experience. But it can also be the most awful and heart-wrenching thing too. Just because love knocks you down, does not mean you should stay down. As they say, fall seven times, stand up eight. You must always get back up. Keep fighting. Work harder. Be better. Easier said than done, I know, but not impossible. If there's one thing I know is that people are constantly growing. Sometimes growth is painful. But it is ever so necessary. I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this post now to be honest, I suppose I just wanted to remind you that you are worth more than the sum of your heartbreak. You will find love again. 

Sometimes people hurt us. Sometimes relationships will deteriorate. It will happen when you're six, and when you're sixty. But that shouldn't stop you from trying. The best things in life, I believe, require risk. Although I am definitely not experienced in this area, I think perhaps my ability to see the whole picture without any past experiences getting in the way can be a good thing. I am coming from a fresh place. That's not to say that I've never felt sad regarding love before, because I have. But it was never proper heartbreak, because I was never in love or in a relationship or anything of the sort. It was unrequited love that gave me a rude awakening. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but I think that the recovery is much easier. 

Love can sometimes have a lot of negative connotations to it. Don't let that stop you. I'm not letting it stop me. I know that one day I'm going to experience something so incredibly wonderful that it will make the risk worth it. Maybe it won't work out in the end, but maybe seeing if it does will be the greatest adventure. I constantly pray to God that He will keep my heart safe until the time is right and I've found my forever. I think that's probably why I'm still single. I just haven't found my forever yet. I used to blame myself and look down on myself thinking I just wasn't good enough - and that that was why I was still single. Then one day I knew better. 

Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have. You have to truly love yourself first. For how can you expect somebody to love you if you don't love you? Just doesn't make sense. It's a battle, but if there is anything worth winning, this is definitely it. And if all else fails, know that I love you. Good things are coming. For both of us.

Love, S. 

My Morning: Pause, Ponder, Write

In my last blog post I mentioned how I wanted to shift 'Sam Indigo' into becoming more personal. This post is just that, so I hope you enjoy it! 

I'm a Christian. I have been going to the same church for almost 10 years now and while I've had many ups and downs along the way, Jesus has stayed constant and so has His Word. That's the beauty of the bible, it is constant, when many things in our lives are not. I came across this quote on Tumblr that says:

Arguably the most beautiful thing about the Gospel is its consistency.

When I don’t feel like it’s true, it still is-

When I don’t feel clean. When I don’t feel like I belong. When I don’t feel accepted. When I don’t feel loved. I am.

I love that! There is so much truth in those words, and that is something that we often forget. However, this post is not a recount of my faith or a sharing of my testimony (though I am happy to do that one day if anyone wants to hear about it), but just me sharing my morning with you all.

It is currently 9.30am and I've just finished having some breakfast and spending some time with God. I get to do this most mornings, which I am very grateful for. I love being able to just sit down, open my bible, and see what God wants to tell me. While I was doing that very thing this morning, I got the idea to write a little blog post about it. I thought to myself, why not share it with you guys. After all, this is definitely something more personal and different to what I normally do, which is what my goal was! 

As I mentioned before, I've been a Christian for almost 10 years now, but it's only been in the past year or so that I've consistently read my bible. It's terrible - I know! Now, reading your bible doesn't make you a Christian, just like not reading your bible doesn't not make you a Christian. But it helps. I can honestly say that this past year of reading my bible has been so much better than all the years not reading it. When you read the Word you are opening yourself up to the possibility, or the guarantee rather, or hearing directly from God. The opportunity to read my bible every morning allows me to build a strong platform that I can stand on. It sets the theme of my day and helps me to refocus, feel inspired, and then take on whatever the day may hold. 

This morning I was reading a few chapters in Joel, and the one major standout verse for me was Joel 2:13. In the NIV translation is says:

Return to the Lord your God, 

for he is gracious and compassionate, 

slow to anger and abounding in love.

I know I could definitely learn a few things from that. If we all acted like that, the way God is, imagine how much happier the world would be. I don't want this post to be me shoving my beliefs down your throat, but rather me sharing what I do in the morning with you. I love God, I think He's amazing, but I am not going to sit here and tell you that you need to become a Christian right this very moment. If you want to, sure, but I think it's something more personal. It's a feeling you get, when you just know. If anything I just hope this has inspired you to take some time to stop, breathe, ponder and refocus. That way you will be able to face whatever the day throws at you with fresh eyes and a clear mind. 

Love, S.

I'm Starting Somewhere...

Good evening lovely people who are taking the time to read this! I do hope you've had a wonderful day.

This post is going to be different from what I usually feature here on 'Sam Indigo'. It's a step forward in a direction I've wanted to take for quite some time now. I've let myself hold me back from writing this post and putting this into motion, but tonight I stumbled across something that made me open up blogger and begin typing. To explain, I've wanted to take my little blog, Sam Indigo, in a bit of a different direction for a while now. When I say a different direction, I don't mean completely changing everything, I just mean adding a few little things to make it more personal. I've been writing this blog since December 2012, almost 2 and a half years, and it's been filled with all things relating to beauty, a bit of fashion, and a splash of lifestyle here and there. I have loved the journey so far, but have grown bored with my content lately, which is why there has been a lack of consistent posts over the past few months (sorry about that!). 

When I sat down and thought about all the things I loved about other peoples blogs, something in particular stood out. I loved seeing them in their blogs. Their creativity, their individuality, their voice. I loved reading their posts because it felt so personal and so exciting to see what they had been getting up to. I felt inspired by them and knew I had to make a change. This little post is basically just to say that this change is coming here on Sam Indigo. This year, 2015, is the year where I start to incorporate more personal posts into the usual beauty, fashion and lifestyle that already fills my blog. That might include a post filled with random thoughts on a particular topic, a snippet of my weekend and things I'd been up to, or just my brain spilling onto the pages in whatever form that might take. This change starts now. 

Don't worry, nothing is going to change too drastically or anything. Honestly, you probably won't even really notice, but I wanted to write this post just to fill you in anyway. Not only is this post for you, it's also for me. I'm hoping that since I've written this and published it, it will hold me accountable to bring these changes to life. I want you guys to know me. Not just what makeup products I'm loving or what new things I bought, but actually know a little bit more about me as a person. There came a point where I was trying to think of how to make 'Sam Indigo' stand out among the rest - and then it hit me. Put as much of myself into it as I can, because I am the only me on this earth. Therefore the things which I produce are unique, because I am unique. My plan is to put myself into this blog more so than ever before, because that's how it is made different from all the others. Nobody can write a blog exactly how I will write a blog, we're all going to bring something new to the table. 

So there you have it! I hope this rambly post made some sort of sense and that you're excited for the journey that's ahead. I know I am. 

Image source: Tumblr

Dream Again...

Today's post is going to be something a little bit different; something a little more personal. To be completely honest, life has just been a little bit harder than normal these past few weeks, and I've found myself feeling quite sad and thinking negatively. I'm not really sure exactly what has brought it on this time, and it was scaring me. I won't go into the past too much, but basically it hasn't always been peachy for me, so moments when I start to feel really down make me quite anxious because I fear of going back to a place that I swore I had left behind. This post isn't meant to be sad and upsetting, it actually has a positive point to it, I promise!

Basically, I was chatting to one of my dear friends last night about it all, and she encouraged me to dream again. It seriously got me thinking about how I've let some of my dreams die down purely because I fear that I would never reach them anyway, but I have the potential to, and so do you! I started thinking about the things I really love, and some things that came to mind were blogging, writing, making videos for YouTube, and taking photographs. These are the things I spend most of my time doing, and at the moment I do it all for free, simply because I love it. I have dreams of going to England one day and living over there for a little bit, and why can't that be a possibility? I am now seriously thinking about moving over there for a little bit once I have graduated from university - which will be at the end of next year. Who knows what my life will look like then, but I certainly hope that I can make it happen, and I'm going to do everything in my power to ensure that it does. 

I've started thinking about and dreaming again for my blog and YouTube channel, and I am excited to produce some really exciting content over the next few months. I've sort of got into a rut of comfortability and I want to break out of that and push myself more with what I'm creating. That being said, if you have any ideas of videos I could make or posts I could write, be sure to leave them as a comment below! I guess the point of this post was to encourage you to dream again. Don't be afraid to. So often I will fill my mind with a whole load of reasons as to why I can't do something and then that is what ultimately stops me. It wasn't someone else who was bringing me down, it was myself. You are your harshest critic. However, I have now decided to be bigger than that because my life has more worth than that. I am now excited for the future, and ready for battle. So I encourage you to pick up your armour and fight. As many people have said before, it is not a war that is easily won, but if anything is worth winning, this is it. 

Little Life Update

I thought I would take a little bit of time to write up an update style post to share some exciting things with you guys. I also plan to write up a 'Monday Stuff' post later today so you can look forward to that. 

As some of you may or may not know I am currently studying a Bachelor of Communications, with a major in journalism and a sub-major in public relations. I'm about to begin my second year so life is about to get pretty hectic very soon. Something else that is a bit more exciting is that I just got a job the other day working in a cute cafe that will open sometime in the near future. I have been jobless for a few years now so that made life a little difficult and stressful sometimes. While I have seemed to survive through it, I am excited to finally be able to start saving for things like a car and a trip to England, and to also have a bit of money to spoil myself every now and again (hello some new lipsticks!). 

I have felt like lately my blog hasn't been as exciting as it can be, mostly because I haven't been able to go out and buy new products to review and share with you guys. As I am only a small, not very well known blogger, I have to buy everything with my own money, which can sometimes make staying ahead of the beauty game a little tricky. I do my best to feature new and exciting products as much as I can, and I appreciate all of you beautiful people who take the time to read my blog anyway. 

Something that has kept me quite busy the past few months has been church life, with there always being loads of things to attend and loads of things to do. Which is great! I've made so many incredible new friends over the past few months, and I know that this new season that I am stepping into is going to be one that is full of colour and excitement, and will be a real time for growth and flourishing. 

I kind of went through a little funk where YouTube wasn't as exciting for me, and I begun to not stay up-to-date with all the people I subscribe to. Never fear though, that funk is gone and I have become obsessed with them all over again. Especially Zoe, Estee, and Tanya. However, my personal YouTube account has been a bit neglected lately, as I am taking more time to focus on my blog instead. As much as I do love chatting to you guys and making videos, a lot of time and effort go into them, and sadly I haven't been able to do them to their full potential. I'm the type of person who has to do something with everything I've got, or not at all. 

Three cheers for you if you managed to make it this far! I think that's really all I wanted to say in this little post. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere, and you can expect to see much more new and exciting beauty posts in the near future, and hopefully some more personal ones along the way as well. If there are any sorts of posts that you would love to see on here, feel free to leave a comment below, or you can send me a tweet here! I really do love and appreciate every one of you and I am excited for the journey ahead.

lovelovelove